Disappearing from my blog seems to be a reoccurring theme for me. I’d apologize, but I’ve done that before and quite frankly, it’s been a rough few months. I can’t apologize for trying to get my head on straight. (BTW that hasn’t happened yet, and it likely never fully will.)
Here we are in June – school is almost done, and my kids will be around a lot more. I fully intend to spend more time with them this summer, instead of working OT and missing out.
Yesterday was a particularly awful day. I wanted to go crawling back to my parents and just hole up in my old bedroom and cry it out. That didn’t happen though, and when my son came home from his dads and saw me all weepy and suffering terribly, there was of course a conversation. He knows that moms brain doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. We’ve had that discussion before. He did suggest however, that since his best friends brother recently went through a very successful double lung transplant, that I could look into a brain transplant. He says it’s totally doable. Poor guy was more than a bit frustrated when I told him it’s not actually a possibility – and that the pills I have to take will have to suffice for now. What a kid. ❤
I hope my kids never have to deal with the thoughts, and emotional rollercoasters that I do. The mood swings, the self-loathing, the complete lack of energy. I am absolutely two different people in the same body, both of them fighting to be heard but lately only one is strong enough, and that’s the one I wish would go jump in a lake. I would do anything to make sure my kids never have to experience this pain; which is one thing that keeps me going when all i want to do is just give up – sometimes all I can do for my children on a given day, is just be alive. I may not get the house cleaned, we might not be at the park every day, or play board games and laugh like a family who has zero problems. I don’t bake cookies with them each day or finger paint and do all those things that seemingly picture perfect families do. I do what I can. I take advantage of good days but there are so many bad days. I often feel guilty that all I can do is lay there and watch my kids play or ride bikes or whatever; but at least I’m surviving that bad day.
And now I’m tearing up. Not depressed tears, not happy either – but remembering the pain tears. Knowing others go through this pain – it seriously hurts my heart.
I think we fight one of the hardest battles, when it’s against ourselves and you have to actively push through what your brain wants you to believe. It’s an exhausting struggle. Stay strong friends…. we can do this. 🖤